Talking to the Universe

2011-12-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to commune with God, the Big Is-ness, the Holy Wonder. I started consciously tithing, being appreciative, praying for others, allowing my desires for good to speak to me without the filter of dense mental construct realities.

I've been facing some madness, the appearances of practicality, the little dog walking job that barely tied me over, the handful of ultra low cost massages I performed which gave me a tiny boost in confidence from month to month, my five year plan to becoming a minister, my one year plan to getting in a relationship and getting pregnant, my modest basement rental in a house with a pool, my supportive church community where I felt a sense of belonging, all of it slipping quickly away. The jobs I used to do have dried up, leaving me to wonder when to give up and become a grocery store clerk or a waitress. The sound of either of these jobs does nothing for my soul.

Meanwhile, the Universe is talking to me. Trust. Trust. Take faith. While we all live in a Universe of Spiritual construct, many of us live lives of mental construct, leaving no consideration to the Spiritual wonder of life's daily inexplicable twists and turns. My life like many is mainly based on the essential Spiritual construct. When I have a decision, no matter how big or small, I pray to know the answer and as soon as I can surrender, when I can surrender in the gratitude of faith, a really wonderful, almost inconceivably good solution appears. I don't always have the fortitude, the gratitude or the faithful attitude to trust and surrender. Often, I find my mind looking for loop holes, escape routes and salvation from terror and despair. In this way, I go from crawling across safety nets to soaring with nothing beneath me and back again. Mental constructs do assure a certain safety. They offer a sense of righteousness. The world of mental constructs is black and white and there's no in between. When we stay down on the ground absorbed with checks and balances and being on the white side, we feel better and we get by. I personally could never accept that lifestyle. I go back to my prayers.

Lately, I have been doing everything short of dancing naked under the moon to connect with that trusting place in myself. I've begged for a sign and even more for a suggestion.

Talking to my girlfriend on Thursday, she explained how she had been listening daily to this series of CD's she turned me onto. Almost as a result, she won $300 in a radio contest. Then, she planned a vacation and won money every day on her trip. She had a completely awesome time. She zip lined, something she would never normally do. She practically lucked into taking a zip line that was scenic and amazing while other friends took a different one that they would never repeat. Returning home, she went shopping at a store that had a big sale. Before she knew it, she was rung up and had bought over $1,400 dollars in clothes! She felt she had no intention of keeping all of it but she loved every single thing she had picked out and didn't want to return one item. The next day, she got a check in the mail for exactly $1,400! There was an error in her favor on a refinance from over a year prior.

Hmm... Good for her.

I turned on my TV for a few minutes Friday while my computer decided to run sludgy slow. While defragmenting, running virus software and a registery clean up, I felt frustrated that I couldn't be productive and work on my book. I was watching the TCM channel which I often do and there was a movie on titled "Under 18". I started watching as this gal fell in love and struggled with her unhappy feelings about poverty. Her boyfriend who always whistled the tune "Happy Days Are Here Again" assured her lovingly that good things were just around the next corner. After all she'd done to live right, save money and hold the right values, it wasn't enough to save her sister from an abusive marriage. Needing $200 in 1931 for a divorce, she asked everyone she could for the money assuring them she'd pay back the loan from her salary. Finding for the moment that no one had or could lend her the money, she decided to surrender herself to a handsome millionaire in exchange for her sister's freedom. At this point watching, I was feeling pretty desperate myself. This can't be what it all comes to? Then as soon as all the trouble appeared, it ended. Her boyfriend took her back, she believed in love again, the millionaire took pity and gave her the money free of physical compensation, her boss had a change of heart and gave her a promotion, a raise and an advance in her pay of the $200 she had asked for and her sister's once deadbeat husband won $1,000 in a pool tournament, apologized to stooping to violence and took his family on vacation to the beach. The heroine ended up having $400, her savings, her man who also had a savings and nothing in particular to spend it on.

Gosh, golly! That's the way things do work sometimes, isn't it?

I was talking to my roommate on Saturday. She was encouraging me to remain hopeful. I said, "What if I'm being forced into a corner that I have no other choice but to polish up a small segment of my book and send it with a letter out to several publishers and get an offer. Maybe it's because I never asked that I haven't received. Just after our brief conversation, I turned on the TV. I spent the morning in prayer and meditation. I decided I should watch a little TV and procrastinate from writing. The only thing on worth watching was the movie "Once" which was half way over. The point I began watching, the couple gets dressed up and goes into the bank to ask for a loan. They play the loan manager a shitty tape recording of some of their music hoping to get some money for recording from the bank. It appears bleak and futile for a second until the bank loan manager grabs a guitar and says, "Listen to this, you guys!" and commences to serenade them in his own awful song stylings to which they wear their nest poker faces. Then, only a couple minutes from the time I turned on the TV, the inconceivable happens. The loan manager signs his approval.

I'm not sure if the Universe is saying, this is the way it works or this is the way it's going to work for me. I do know that the Universe is clearly and eloquently talking to me in parables, real life accounts and pictures. I haven't missed a single 11:11 in days.

GroovaciousK

Talking to the Universe